


World Spins Madly On

by Rqm919



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Or trying to, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, baz being soft, dumb boys communicating, its That Talk from the prologue, just the usual, simon being thick, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20833673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rqm919/pseuds/Rqm919
Summary: “You can’t. There’s no way you love me. Not like this.”“I do,” I whisper. “I do.”“I’m a disaster.”“That’s nothing new.”“A fuck up.”“Always.”“Worst chosen one to ever be chosen.”“So?”AKA the beach talk from the prologue that everyone and their mother has rewritten.





	World Spins Madly On

Instead he shakes his head. 

“Baz…” His voice is barely there. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Do what?” I’m trying not to shout, but this is exasperating. He doesn’t get it, he still doesn’t get it. He can’t see that everything I do, everything I am is for him. That I can’t be happy without him because without him there isn’t a me. We’re all tangled up, the two of us. We always have been.

“You don’t have to keep your promise, okay? I know this isn’t what you were expecting. I know I’m not what you were expecting. I’m not who you…” He trails off, turning away from me. He’s thinking, brow furrowed, teeth clenched. He looks like he might start blowing smoke any second. A wave crashes, lapping at his ankles. “I’m not who you signed up for.”

“Crowley, Snow, what does that mean? Of course you are!”

“I’m not! You signed up for the chosen one, for power and magic and light. I’m not that anymore. I’m not a superhero, I’m just a guy. I don’t fit into your world.”

“You’ve never fit into my world!”

I all but roar it. I don’t mean to, but how can he not see? There’s no such thing as his world and my world, not anymore. We’ve been on opposite sides of a rift since we met, we’ve always been starcrossed fucking lovers. I spent years at Watford trying to reconcile that in my head. I spent years trying to expel him from my thoughts. As if I ever could. 

“Christ’s sake, Simon, you and I have never made sense. There’s no logic here. If there was, maybe I could’ve shut this whole thing down back in fifth year. But it doesn’t work like that. I loved you when we were on opposite sides of a war, I loved you when I was supposed to kill you. Magic didn’t make me love you, you absolute disaster. That had nothing to do with it.” 

He looks like he was bracing for a blow that never came. He’s sitting up straight, tense, looking back at me with wide, childish eyes. He looks like he’s had all the words knocked out of him. Another wave creeps up and hits his back, and he flinches like he’s just been shot. He shakes his head, sucking on his lower lip, and turns back towards the sea. Runs a hand through the mess of gold on top of his head. Waits. Finally, after an eternity, speaks. 

“You can’t. There’s no way you love me. Not like this.”

“I do,” I whisper. “I do.”

“I’m a disaster.” 

“That’s nothing new.”

“A fuck up.”

“Always.”

“Worst chosen one to ever be chosen.”

“So?”

When he turns back around, his eyes are glassy. “So?”

I scoot down so that I’m sitting right beside him and bump my shoulder against his.

“I’ve loved you through it all, Snow. Through dragons and Humdrums and Mages. How could I possibly stop loving you now?” 

He doesn’t say anything. He won’t look at me now, he’s back to looking out at the ocean as it glows and glints and sparkles. He still looks pale and drawn and sad, but the sun has cast him in an absolutely golden light. He shines next to the sea. Warm and yellow and bright. A perfect counterpart. I can’t stop looking at him, even though he won’t look back. He’ll look anywhere but me. His eyes track a cloud as it passes slowly over the sun, or the steady rhythm of the waves as they push and pull and push and pull. After a while, though, his hand reaches out. Covers mine. I flip mine, palm side up, and lace our fingers together. He doesn’t look, but he squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.

He doesn’t look, but he moves a little closer. Rests his head on my shoulder. 

He doesn’t look, but eventually, he speaks.

“I don’t know when I’ll get better. If I’ll get better. Sometimes it feels like I never will. Like I’ll always be like this, just a shell. Always scared, always suffocating. I can’t explain it, how everything’s just too...much, sometimes. I don’t know if that will ever go away.” 

“We’ll figure it out,” I whisper. I can’t stop whispering. It feels like anything -- a loud noise, a sudden movement -- could crack this moment right in half. “Just talk to us, okay? Talk to me. We’ll figure it out.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“I know.” 

“I want to get better, though.”

“I know.” 

“Hey, Baz?”

He lifts his head off my shoulder and looks at me. Finally. His eyes are red, and his face is wet. He looks practically pitiful, but he manages a smile. It’s a small and quivering thing, but he means it. I smile back, with all the gentleness I can muster. “Yeah, Simon?”

“I love you.” It’s barely there over the sound of the sea. It’s hardly even a whisper.

“I love you, too. Always.”

We don’t talk about that being another promise. We don’t talk about anything, after that. He puts his head back on my shoulder, and I let go of his hand so I can rub his back. I tell myself we’re going to sit like this until things start to feel okay. Even if it means never getting up.

The sun’s starting to set, and Simon’s closed his eyes. His head’s on my chest, his breathing slow and even. All around us, the world feels gold and warm and calm, and-

“Baz!”

**Author's Note:**

> hi yes hello! thank you for reading! I don't normally (read: ever) publish fanfiction (or anything i write for that matter) but after that ending i just couldn't help myself. hope you enjoyed!! :)


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